


Confessions of an Armored War Machine

by theoricalTheologist



Series: Confessions of an Armored War Machine [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Related, Diary/Journal, Gen, Implied Cannibalism, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, POV First Person, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 02:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7203539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoricalTheologist/pseuds/theoricalTheologist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Year 845. Wall Maria was breached, thus marking the beginning of the long and tedious mission of war-criminal Reiner Braun, alongside his partner he met since childhood, Bertolt Hoover. Through his personal diary, he brings up a whole archive of his live within the walls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A New World

**_1 Day In_ **

_We finally did it._

_Our attack was ultimately successful. As expected, not a single one of these sinners actually anticipated such an incoming and brutal attack, brainwashed as they were. That hole marked the end of our previous journey and the beginning of a new one. Frankly, I’m not really thrilled at the idea of spending what’s probably going to be a good chunk of my life among… them._

_Scratching these blank pages with the tip of my pencil from the village make me realize that what we’ve done was eventually for the greater good. The familiar grip almost feels therapeutic somehow. I hope I’m going to be used to their old, backwards tools once my pencil gives its last stroke. After all, till another warrior comes to replace the one we unfortunately lost on the way, it’s only Bertolt and I. We both thought it wasn’t going to be as easy as they made it sound. Our powers could’ve easily been lost by random titans stealing ours… like that one._

_And now… Now we both have to face the destruction we caused. We have to face the consequences and neither I or Bertolt are ready for it, despite the both of us knowing we committed the unforgivable._

_I don’t want to face it._

_I don’t even want to hear about it._

_I just want to focus on my next order. The quicker we’ll get the job done, the sooner we leave and go back to our hometown. Just the both of us. I’m particularly afraid of what the life among our victims is going to affect Bertolt…_

_I’ll just drag him away from the mourning crowd and have talk with him later._

 

**3 Days In**

_Out of all people, they decided to send us Annie._

_Now, I had nothing against Annie in particular; she was a good shot and practically beat us all in hand-to-hand combat during our harsh training days, thanks to her father’s intensive lessons. She could easily handle whole missions that didn’t involve breaking walls since her titan was quite agile. However, she didn’t have what makes her a true warrior. If she’s really going to collaborate with us, she has to put some motivation on her behalf as soon as the second phase starts, for the best of us._

_We had a short talk, sitting on the pavement, eating emergency food rations, about how we were going to infiltrate the walls efficiently. We mostly thought about getting enrolled in the military as soon as they start recruiting. From our information, only the top ten gets to choose one branch beyond three. One of these allows us to get directly close to the King, useful to retrieve what we need to and bring humanity to its knees. Needless to say, their training is relatively a piece of cake compared to ours. Getting home suddenly becomes a goal much more realistic._

_Annie left once we were done. She claims she didn’t want to arouse suspicion, but I clearly saw her contemplating her ring. Perhaps a memento from her father? That was sweet of her to think about her relatives she barely left._

_I wish I could’ve a father to think about too…_

 

**7 Days In**

_It’s been a week._

_A week since we spread chaos and a huge population dispatching. They were all taking refuge in the further districts. Bertolt, Annie and I were heading to a village near Wall Rose, waiting for enrollment. On the way, Annie mentioned a man from our village, making his way to the walls, should things go sour. She didn’t mention his name, only that he goes by the initial Z. From how it sounded, we could be supervised by our superior in the future. I have to keep it in mind._

_Annie didn’t address us during our trip, only muttering “father” or “daddy” to herself. I’m afraid her familial attachment was leading her astray from our goals. Meanwhile, Bertolt felt relief at the idea of not seeing all these faces in pain anymore. Since we got here, he spent his whole nights clinging onto my right arm and started trashing around, more violently, often waking me up in the process. I tried to reassure him multiple times by persuading him to let it go, only to hear “I don’t like this” or “I’m not sure I can” from him._

_Our group of three never felt so tense till we lost Marcel on the road. We were warriors. We weren’t supposed to let minor conflicts blinding us from our goal._

_I don’t have any choice. I have to keep this group together, by any means._

_I’m going to hammer our real purpose inside their heads._

 

**27 Days In**

_Bertolt almost smothered me in his sleep last night, again._

_We were getting used to our life as pretended refugees inside the wall, but without any news from the homeland, not to mention how anything from last month haunted Bertolt every night._

_The two of us became friends as soon as we were promised training as warriors. They selected us based on our physical performance, but acquiring the power in itself was purely trial and error. My memories at that time were hazy, despite me being attributed the family name “Braun” post-ceremony. When our special training began, I was paired with Bertolt for… almost everything: bedroom, lunches, chores, tasks that required teamwork… Our bunks were always close to each other, so every time he cried because he couldn’t take it anymore, he could come on my side for comfort. Don’t get the wrong impression, dear diary; Bertolt was quite agile and strong, but lacked initiative, always relying on me for the mundane tasks, for the first days at least. In fact, he was afraid he would make even the slightest mistake. Every time I taught him, he almost doubled efforts, especially after I expressed my trust and pride, as if it was to impress me. As a warrior, he was perfectly capable, despite not trying when it wasn’t needed._

_Naturally, anyone with a sense of personal space wouldn’t stand a guy like him sticking around them like glue. Yet for some reason, that didn’t bother me at all. In fact, it was quite soothing, having somebody who looked up to you like that. It made me feel valued somehow. Whenever he got into trouble, I always stepped front to take his defense. Fighting wasn’t my forte, but I was a fortress packed in a single boy. As much as he offended my pride, Bertolt took every opportunity left open to finish the job. We were an effective duo he and I. Always looking for each other, always comforting each other, always being happy with each other._

_He was, in a sense, the first friend and only family I had._

_Yes, the two of us remained extremely close… till the orders._

_For a month he became extremely distraught. For a month he kept asking me if our ‘comeuppance’ was coming soon. Sometimes I was almost attempted to tell him to can it for good. How could he let it get under his skin every day?  Does he realize he’s not the only one who was particularly shaken by what he… no. By what_ **_we_ ** _did? Hell, I’m the only one who can understand his situation. I shouldn’t be so harsh towards him._

_I don’t want him to suffer emotionally like that._

_I want to keep his hopes up for the rest of our mission._

_I want us to laugh again like two months ago when this is over._

_The only time where his mood went peacefully was in the middle of the night, with him getting to sleep before I do, always greeting me with the most absurd of the positions. We agree to keep our couches close to each other, since winter was approaching faster than usual here. There was always a chance for me to wake up with his toes in my mouth or him using my ass as his pillow. It was rare to see boys the same age acting like we did, unless they were brothers, which was sort of the case for us. Yet something didn’t feel right._

_Brothers, or even other boys don’t want to place a sweet kiss on each other’s mouth while feeling butterflies in their stomach, do they…?_

 

**30 Days In**

_There’s a rumor going on about a fugitive on a certain family. An mport nt one. Must I v   ig   l_

 

**31 Days In**

  
_My old pencil just ran out of ink. Now I have to use their old writing feathers. Fuck it._


	2. Growing Up Isolated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiner and his companions only began to grow accustomed to their lives as pretend-refugees, but it wasn't so easy when they were surrounded by complete strangers. As things were calming down and the homesickness was starting to kick in, they still got to celebrate their birthdays and work for the local village they were assigned to.

**107 Days In**

_I had a random thought today._

_It’s been a while since Marcel died. Hence his titan power was lost forever in the wild. Or was it? It’s starting to fade away from my brain but… once a titan ingests the spinal fluid from a shifter, said titan earns automatically its powers while allowed to retain the human form they inhabited in their previous life. That titan back then. I wonder how they’re doing by now. Did they understand what happened? Were they devoured a long time ago, not having the necessary skills to survive? It was a bit cruel to mention Marcel’s tragic death by showing concern for his predator, but the three of us know we had to top the food chain in order to be strong, just as that titan. That’s how I earned my last name as far as I recall._

_We really are different from all these people after all._

 

**123 Days In**

_It’s Bertolt’s birthday today._

_He was born just at the end of our official year, giving us the occasion to reminisce of all the good moments we spent together from the beginning, as well as making resolutions for the day after. We occasionally invited other children, but I was the one staying the most often with him and even went to bed at the same time than him, wishing happy new year to each other before getting to sleep. We tried to keep the tradition alive but today, his 12_ _th_ _birthday… was different._

_Despite wishing him happy birthday as he woke up, I had no idea nor the resources to offer him a present that might make him happy. I had to improvise somehow. No way I was going to offer him a memento from the souvenir shops around as we both hate their traditions. Instead, I bought crayons, a sketchbook and started using my imagination. After a dozens of crappy drawings, I finally managed to get something decent: the two of us holding hands, arms in the air, surrounded by the landscape of our village, titled ‘Together Forever’. He complimented my artist’s talent and told me he was going to treasure it for his whole life, tears in his eyes. Despite him smiling back at me, I could tell he was feigning happiness. I could tell peace within these walls was wearing him out emotionally. Poor buddy started to get really homesick too._

_I got into a short argument with Annie that day, her having forgotten his birthday. Judging by her reaction, she really wasn’t aware it was today, feeling pretty bad about it. I made her a short reminder that warriors must at least find a common ground instead of minding her own business. I really didn’t care whether she got sick of us or not. Cooperation is the key, and for it to happen, you must establish harmony. Simple as that. Fortunately, she brought Bertolt a box of candies later. Ignoring my friend’s preferences, she picked the multi-flavored set. Appreciating the thought, Bertolt shared his box with us._

_Once the sun has set, our year’s summary was probably the dullest ever told. I tried to lighten the mood by summarizing our almost nonexistent positive points, only to be blown off by the most awkward silence. Switching directly to our list of negative points, I asked Bertolt his opinion. Without even looking at me, he threw me the most slap-feel line ever:_

_‘Coming to this place.’_

_Each of his words carried a weight I was attempting to set aside for what seems to be nearly half a year._

_By coming to this place, we lost a comrade on the way. By coming to this place, one of our powers was scattered in the nature forever. By coming to this place, we both traumatized ourselves with a guilt that will never fade away, no matter how fast time tried to heal that._

_We weren’t really proud to be warriors at all._

_Without any fireworks or cheering crowd to celebrate a new year in our calendar, our goodnight ritual concluded by what was probably the emptiest, monotonous ‘Happy New Year’ ever wished…_

 

**158 Days In**

_ Due to our incredible endurance, the three of us were placed on special tasks in the village, such as hunting or wood chopping, the tasks usually reserved for adults. We indeed started to lack money. Villagers would reward us with enough food and a shelter, should we perform the tasks correctly. _

_ What was surprising in our manual work was how good the three of us handled it overall. I guess they probably don’t teach their kids how to handle themselves in every single situation, shall they wander alone with no one to help them. They weren’t trained like a bunch of war machines either. In fact, it seemed as we were the ones who worked overboard. Chopping more wood than required almost felt familiar, just like back in the days where we had to give our sweat everyday, prepared for that exact purpose.  _

_ That evening, we shared a supper with the other children. They kept commenting how incredible I was throughout the whole day. I’m not even exaggerating. They literally had sparkles in their eyes when I was giving my best. To be frank, Bertolt was following my movements and Annie tried to get the minimal supplies required. So I guess that was… worth of holding me on a pedestal? If these kids actually knew my past, there wouldn’t be anything to be proud at all. _

_ As enjoyable as their company were, I tried to keep contact a minimum with them, focusing on the work. _   
_ I’m not sure if I should push the camaraderie act further than that. It certainly will hold me off out of suspicion in the future but something doesn’t feel right at all. _

 

**204 Days In**

_Annie just turned 12 today._

_She was getting fussier than usual… That night, she was practising her moves even harder than usual in her sleep, as if she subconsciously reminded something from her past. Happy birthday from her parents, maybe? I didn’t think Mr. Leonhart was the kind of man who would pay attention to something as meaningless as our birthday. I guess I was wrong if it turns out to be the case._

_Annie was always the difficult type to get. I don’t know if it’s because I hung with Bertolt and a couple of other kids back in our hometown most of the time, but she always struck me as the familiar type. Her father didn’t let her get familiar with the others. Whether it was out of concern or because he tried to condition her in his own way was certainly a relevant question to put your finger in. As a consequence, neither me or Bertolt took a proper time to learn about her interests._

_The both of us tried to get her a gift before wishing her happy birthday. A way to relieve all the tension she has been building, probably thinking about the cakes and candles at the Leonhart estate, her father praising her on the efforts of the year, him mentioning how proud her mother would be if she had been here… We went the cliché route and adopted for a bouquet of all the flowers. I even asked Bertolt to be as gentlemanly as possible when I tasked him with giving the present, greeting her with the merriest “Happy Birthday” ever. His whole face went red and sweat dripped off his face as soon as I warned him that Annie was a delicate lady._

_In the end, she accepted the gesture. Not really satisfied but not completely happy with it either. My fault for not remembering it earlier. If we had anticipated her tastes, maybe she would’ve been more satisfied. I apologized for the cheapness of the present. She scoffed at us at first, until I heard a faint “It’s ok.” coming from her mouth._

_She then stared at the setting sun for a couple of hours before getting to sleep._

 

**289 Days In**

_It was almost disturbing how life inside these walls seemed peaceful. These inhabitants, they never have to worry about the upcoming danger, or the sad realities that they’re only a brainwashed pound of flesh tied to a bone structure, ready to get devoured shall the titans come in._

_I keep reminding myself we’re different from them in so many ways, just as Mr. Z. instructed us._

_“Remember: it only takes a single cut to get rid of any potential, fatal injury. As long as your spine gets protected, that’s all.”_

_He was indeed right on that plan. Our bodies could take more than the average person, able to be on par with other titans out there. Our strict policy wouldn’t allow anybody with weak physical aptitudes to get any of our powers. We actually don’t have many of those around and just lost one on the way… or rather… my incompetence didn’t keep the three of us safe and sound…_

_Just writing down there made me remind how repulsive and gruesome our punishment practices can get and how stupid I am; when we were younger, my trainers would reward me and some other warriors who performed tasks well around a good meal. A sort of celebration fest. There was this guy who was also on the honor list. Lars I think. When I was tasked for the preparations, I caught him stealing food -jerky to be accurate-, from the reserve, claiming his mentors wouldn’t give him enough food during breaks. Out of generosity, understanding and pity I kept my mouth shut, but it wasn’t long before our higher ranked warriors got a word of it…_

_When the supper was ready, everybody invited had taken their seats. Everybody. Except Lars. Concerned, I asked about his situation. The warrior leading the ceremony told me he was feeling a little unwell and was resting in a personal room. Surprisingly, the main course was barbecue, contrary to the Kartoffelsuppe announced previously. What was raising my eyebrow was the enormous amount of meat served to us, compared to the few slices in stock. Anxious, I slowly ingested my portion, bit by bit. I didn’t even dare to ask the cook about the origin of the meat. It was partially out of respect but it was mostly out of fear. Never in my life I felt like I wanted to throw up. The day after, Lars came back, completely mute, staring vacantly in the void, trying to stay sit for most of the time. Fortunately, Bertolt wasn’t there to witness that._

_It wasn’t long before recalling the sour taste of the mysterious meat cut my appetite and forced me to retreat in my bedroom early. That night, Bertolt asked me why I was feeling nauseous. I just gave him the big lines as a response before going to bed. I guess I’ll probably take him in my arms, just for tonight._

_Those kids in the village sure must have had an easy life in nine months._

 

**336 Days In**

_Today’s my birthday. The very first one I’ve celebrated intra-muros…_

_Sometimes I don’t even realize how old I’m getting. I can’t believe I’m the oldest of the group. Can’t believe I’m turning 13 today._

_I remember I couldn’t sleep well that night. Escaping from the sad reality binding me to this place was impossible, especially when so many things happened last time we celebrated my birthday._

_People around this town actually don’t see me as fleshed 13 year old kid, but rather as a kid-sized adult others could emotionally depend on. Despite me telling myself how wrong sympathising with them was, I kept pushing, feeling like I’ve felt a new purpose in my life. All these kids who’ve lost their families needed a hero, and I was there to support them. Me, the strong, solid, caring survivor from the South, Reiner Braun._

_That morning, I was greeted with a bright “Happy Birthday” from a Bertolt who was kept busy the day prior, and who offered me a carefully wrapped package. He told me not to open it prior to the evening. That’s when I got the idea to throw a party with the others after I told them I turned 13, hoping for a good dessert after supper. My friends were a bit reluctant going on with it, despite insisting it wasn’t to get accustomed to the locals._

_Eventually, I could allow myself, just for that day, to let it go a little. I would have loved to get some booze just to forget the guilt and homesickness lingering for the past year, but the authorities refused to give any to anybody under 16. That didn’t prevent me to blurt out some anecdotes here and there and to laugh out loud overall with the crowd…_

  
_...And that was the biggest mistake of the night._

_Annie glared daggers at me as she leaves her present at the table without saying a word and Bertolt staring at me with a shake of disapproval. At that moment I knew I was going too far: not only did I unconsciously stabbed Annie in the back but at that moment the most trusted person I’ve had in my life began to doubt my choices. I fucked up. Hard._

_After retreating in my room quickly, I unwrapped my friends’ presents; Annie’s was accompanied with a birthday card, or a simple piece of paper on which was written “To our bossy leader: Happy Birthday. P.S.: it was a gift from some girl’s mother -Annie”. The package contained a scarf, warm and cozy, perfect for next season. It was heartwarming to see that, despite not seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, she did consider me as a trustworthy warrior. And I’ve shaken that trust with all this bullshit. Better repay the favor next year._

_What got me the most was Bertolt’s present: he actually put all his effort yesterday for a carved piece of wood with our faces, smiling at each other. He even bothered carving “Friends Forever” as a caption; a sort of repayment for the drawing I made him eight months ago. Imagining the deception I must have inflicted him almost broke my heart in two. What kind of a piece of shit am I anyway? That night I quickly went at his side, apologizing to him, promising I’ll never lead our group astray again. After a moment of reflection, he whispered me my case was understandable before asking me if they really are going to care once we reveal our true nature as mass murderers and rather acknowledge me as the merciless, cruel, Armored monster, Reiner Braun._

_As he begged me not to leave him on his own, I spent the whole night poundering about how I could’ve gotten so lost in the span of a whole year, clenching his present in my hand, using Annie’s scarf as a pillow._

_Even though our neighbours were friendly, we really were surrounded by enemies everywhere._

 

**365 Days In**

_We were “celebrating” the anniversary of the day we arrived here._

_I couldn’t believe we managed to last a year away from our kind, without any close contact from incoming agents. We were just on our own, lasting both seasons._

_Words from the village we were taking refuge in mentioned an operation aiming to reclaim Wall Maria by sending as much citizens as possible. Such an idea would be preposterous enough considering they have no means to fill the holes Bertolt and I both inflicted to Shiganshina district’s walls, but the most intriguing thing remains a list of people they enlisted. Most of them being remnants of the military police. In fact, considering their main asset against titans was the scouting legion, their retaliation won’t even last a week… Needless to say, the government was either completely stupid or it was just a well-crafted, convenient plan to send hundreds of undesirable people to their doom. Considering how trained the military police was, it wouldn’t be a surprise if it was the case._

_I definitely wasn’t in the mood of proposing a toast to celebrate our “survival” considering the aftermath might even produce even more damage than we already caused. Instead, I just laid on the ground, crafting our next tactic. Our goal will be to infiltrate the ranks, graduate to get affected in the military police and find the current holder of the almighty ability. Seeing that they tend to be closer to the royal families, our safer bet will be to bring destruction to the central districts. Judging by the military police’s aptitudes against titans, forcing a surrounding will be a piece of cake._

_There’s also rumors of some scandal in one of the royal families. A girl apparently ran away due to some unfortunate event. If that girl is currently connected to our goals, we will have no choice but to derive from our initial goal._

_The simple thought of infiltrating the cadets means I’m probably going to not only interact with them quite a lot to avoid any kind of suspicion but also plan meetings with Bertolt and Annie to keep things in check. Most of them probably lost their families last year… It’s going to be a tough challenge._

_Who knows… Maybe I’ll try acting “normal” for once._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 123 was a complete intentional number, meaning if I substitute year 845 with 2016, that would mean the breach took place August 30th. SnK doesn't have any clear seasons if I recall correctly, despite taking place in Europe.
> 
> Also, that chapter was way longer than usual. It was intented to be much longer, but I decided to report secondary segments to chapter 3 anyway, which is probably going to quicken the pace originally settled.

**Author's Note:**

> Phew! I finally gave a shot at this thing. So, first chapter solely focuses on Reiner and co. breaching the walls and getting accustomed to their life within. I tried my best to stay in accordance with the canon storyline, depsite me having to manage my way in, as in, speculating their childhood. Whether they were orphans or not, I can't imagine them having a bright childhood, a "regular" one like the Shiganshina trio did, especially when you end up trained and instructed like you were.
> 
> There isn't a clear number of chapters, but I don't think I'm going to drag this out either.


End file.
